There’s something to be said about the inability or laziness of people in authority to properly explain an answer. I’ve never been one to respect authority because from an early year I’ve felt I’ve known whats best for me. Receiving answers like, “Because I said so, Because I’m the teacher, Do as I say, you just wouldn’t understand you’re to young,” may work for some kids but it definitely didn’t for me. I refuse to follow orders or direction without a direct explanation of why they are issued. The only exception to this rule is for the people I truly respect i.e. my USMC staff ncos and that’s about it.

Enter my stepfather. When i thought of what a man was this guy embodied it. Strong, deadly, responsible, caring and brave. The exact opposite of the lowlife “man” who donated seed for my birth. I was captivated. He brought to us everything. We went from having to have the church feed us because our mother drank all the child support away to steak and potatoes. It was such a drastic change in reality I early on developed the notion that things change on a dime and attaching to anything is a waste of energy. Something better is always right around the corner, or so i thought.

With this new found wealth high speed internet and no parental supervision become my new daily experience. It was fantastic for destroying me. I’d watch porn for as long as I could. Dipping out of the living room and feigning productive activity when I saw my new parents vehicle pulling in the driveway. What a rush to hide your tracks as the law looms ever nearer. It may have started with porn but the addiction quickly shifted to the idea of knowing and doing things no one else knew about. A secret agent within my very own home. Doing as I please all the while pretending to be something I wasn’t, decent human being.

It worked for awhile but I was found out through my browser history, amateur mistake I’d never make again. I became an outcast in my own home. Being shamed for things I knew my mother had done and stepfather as well. The hypocrisy left me with a bitter taste and chip on my shoulder. My hate and discontent for authority deepened as did my desire to never be caught in a shameful act again. My life took on a new note of lying and deceit that should never dwell in the heart of a teenager. Anger and discontent consumed me. All the while I strode through the top classes in my school barely even applying myself.

Where was the excitement, the challenge, the true tests of what I could do?

Now that we’ve discussed my parents lets move. This is where it begins to take a dark turn. So please if your of a weak stomach or mind go ahead and leave this blog.

My very first memory is seeing dick. My older brother had told me to look under the bathroom door when he went in to take showers. He’d strip naked and do pushups while I developed my first habits of voyeurism. This general showing of genitalia become a regular occurrence in my week. I’d turn around to talk to him in our vehicle and he’d just have his dick hanging out. I didn’t identify this as being wrong or something out of the ordinary. I think I was younger than 10. I remember one time I said something about it and was shamed and ignored by him and my other family members for lying. This was my first taste of experiencing something taboo. It quickly developed into the idea that somethings are okay to experience but not to talk about. This set the precedent for the coming events.

As time progressed he lost interest and started chasing girls. However, I remained with a consciousness of depravity and secrecy that would follow me to this day. I quickly found a new outlet in my neighbors. Their family ran/runs as a cult. Home schooled, jew hating, Nazi sympathizers. Their mother clocked in around 300+ lbs and worshiped the idols of sex. We’d watch R rated movies every time I spent the night with their mom and older sister and soft core porn when the adults went to sleep. Masturbation was a regular group event but never spoken of outside of the room. This was the norm I had grown to understand. We grew closer and closer and the nights grew wilder and wilder. We played the most intense games of dare… no truth among friends. We already knew each other to the fullest. We’d strobe the light switch and run around naked putting our dicks in everything that had a hole. We didn’t know any better, maybe the oldest of us was 14 or 15 at the time. Scandal and secrets become the nature of my life.

Around this time my mother remarried. I have to give credit where credit is due, my stepdad was my idol and borderline God when I met him. He showed up when my father hit me and put him in his place as easy as a mother picks up her new born. It seemed so natural.

Enter the concept of dominance.